


Cruiser Bruiser

by FandomLife54



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Jokes, Bruises, Car Accidents, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Tags Are Hard, The Fire Fam (9-1-1 TV), Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24126379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomLife54/pseuds/FandomLife54
Summary: There’s a quiet determination to his step when he walks into the locker room that morning, but any and all thoughts he had come to a grinding halt as he takes in the scene before him. Buck is sitting on the bench, back to him, and blowing out air slowly like he’s bracing himself for something. That something turns out to be putting on a shirt.He lifts his arms a fraction and immediately drops them with a hiss, movement tugging at the vicious splotch of purple and blue bloomed over the right side of his lower back.ORA close call on the side of the freeway has Eddie reevaluating his relationship with Buck, particularly how strained it's become due to Eddie's anger since the lawsuit. Some domestic love and more than a few heart to hearts have Eddie confessing things he should have a long time ago.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 752





	Cruiser Bruiser

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S 4AM Y'ALL . I'm so done with having this fic not complete. So I finished it. Done. I will send it out to the world and I hope you receive it with kindness and mercy for my mistakes. Seriously, I hope you all like it. If you do, send me some kudos or even just a comment with a heart. I will love you forever.  
> I love Buddie and I wanted to write something to contribute to all the wonderful fanfic already out there. This hiatus is gonna be brutal. Today is the finale of season 3 and I only feel fear >___>  
> But let's go!!! Enjoy :)

Buck’s back. He’s been back for weeks. And still, Eddie can’t bring himself to look his best friend in the eyes. In most situations following a fallout between two people, there’s a number of ways for one person to ignore the other. Except Buck is Eddie’s partner and they’re together over 50 hours a week. 

It took a while, but Buck has finally backed off from trying to start a conversation. Eddie doesn’t want to talk and even the glares from his teammates can’t make him. They still work in sync so it’s not like it’s affecting their job.  _ Which is all Buck cared about anyways. _

The distance, however… As much as he thought he wanted it, screaming it at Buck repeatedly, the distance has done nothing to calm him down. His rage is bubbling up and as much as he wants to let it out, he can’t quite bring himself to bring it up in therapy. Really, he’ll talk about anything else but Buck. He’s just so  _ tired _ of thinking about Buck. Wondering where he is when they’re off shift. Wanting to ask if he’s eating enough after he spots leftovers in the station’s fridge. Feeling the need to check on him after a close call. 

His whole world seems to revolve around the man. Some space should help, right?

Eddie pries the car door open with a little more force than necessary, Hen and Chim moving in to check on the woman inside. Two blown tires sent her swerving three lanes over and off the freeway and honestly, it could have been a lot worse. In something short of a miracle, LA traffic isn’t that bad right now and no other vehicle got caught in the accident. There’s not even many people passing by to risk another crash from rubbernecking. 

“I’m going to sue that tire shop, you’ll see! Two new tires! I got them a week ago and they both pop on me at the same time? That’s not a coincidence. They were faulty. I’ll have every lawyer in LA after them, I swear it!” 

There must be something showing on Eddie’s face because he can see Buck shrinking away from him from the corner of his eye. 

“We understand, ma’am, but this isn’t the time or place to discuss this.” Bobby. At least he’s staying calm. “Buckly. Diaz. Start packing up. We’re gonna bring Mrs. Wilson, here, back with us to the station. It’s too dangerous to leave her here on the side of the freeway. Ma’am, if you could call your insurance or a tow truck to come pick up your car?” 

As Eddie lifts the jaws of life, he already knows Buck’s gonna offer to help. “I got it,” he hisses. Buck doesn’t say a word. 

Pure frustration fuels his motions as he heaves the giant machine into the truck. Locking the hatch, Eddie barely has time to turn around before it happens. 

“ _ EDDIE!” _

A slam. A horrid crunch. And a blur of gray and blond. 

Eddie is flush against the side of the firetruck, every inch of him plastered to cold metal or the warm body pinning him. 

“Ow..” Buck croaks, dropping to the floor with his hands clinging to his side. 

Eddie can hardly breathe as the rest of the team scrambles to them. His legs, his arms, his lungs, are rigid,  _ useless _ . All he can do is watch, still glued to the truck, as Hen and Chim diligently examine their friend. 

“Eddie?” Bobby blocks his line of sight, his eyes flickering to his. “Are you ok?”

Their attention shifts when Buck lets out a pained groan. “...What hit me?”

It takes Bobby a minute to find the culprit behind the wheel of the firetruck. “This,” he huffs, holding up the busted side-view mirror. “Broke right off on impact. Jesus, kid, at the speed that guy was going, too… How’s he looking?” 

Chim presses his grip around Buck’s ribs, slowly moving over the angry, red patch on his side and to his waist. He nods to Hen. 

“Looks like he got hit low enough to miss his organs and high enough that it didn’t crack his hip. We should take him to the hospital to be sure, but I think our boy is gonna walk away with just one hell of a bruise.”

“Congratulations, Goldilocks,” Hen smiles, running her fingers through his hair. “It looks like you were  _ just  _ the right height.” 

“Alright. Hen, Chim, take Buck to get some X-rays. Mrs. Wilson, please wait in the truck. Eddie-” 

He knows his captain is staring at him but he can’t- He needs to know. 

“Why?” All eyes turn to him, but he only focuses on Buck’s. “Why would you risk yourself for me?” 

A myriad of emotions pass over his partner’s face and Eddie can’t identify a single one. 

“Are you seriously asking me that right now?” The silence that follows is answer enough. Buck scoffs, rising off the floor with the paramedics’ help. “Just take me to the hospital. I can’t do this.”

“Buck,” Bobby starts, his captain voice in full effect. 

“Yeah, yeah I know. Go straight home after the hospital. I’m being benched tomorrow. Yay for chores,” he mumbles dejectedly. 

Bobby grabs his arm, waiting for him to meet his eyes before smiling. “I was gonna say nice save. You did good today, kid.” A beat of silence. “And yes, you’re on light duty tomorrow since I know telling you to stay home would probably lead to something worse. You got two days off after that and we’ll see how you feel then, alright?”

“Yes sir,” Buck nods and only lets his eyes flicker to Eddie for a second before he’s heading towards the ambulance.

The moment the blond is out of earshot, everyone turns to him. 

“Seriously, man?” Chimney growls. 

Hen raises an eyebrow at him. “You can’t think of a single reason he might have thrown himself in front of a speeding car for you?”

Of course Eddie can imagine reasons why he did it, they just don’t make sense. 

Bobby sighs. “That’s enough, everyone. I’ll see you two back at the station. Diaz, let’s go.”

…

Eddie was fine. Everything was fine. So why can’t his finger stop tapping against his leg. 

“You ok, Eddie?” 

Bobby steals glances at him from time to time. They’ve been on two calls since the incident that morning and it’s like Eddie’s mind is simultaneously blank and thinking of every small detail at the same time. 

“I feel… anxious.”

“I tried to tell you earlier, it’s ok to take the rest of the day for yourself.”

“I’m fine.” 

“You sound as convincing as Buck.” Bobby hides his grin at that scowl. “His X-rays are still being evaluated. We’ll know his results soon. With any luck, it will be just a bruise.”

“Yeah…” Eddie exhales slowly. “You’re right. Still, all that internal bleeding. It’s gonna-”  _ Bleeding _ . Blood. “ _ Oh, God.  _ Buck’s  _ blood thinners _ . We gotta go see him. He could be bleeding out right now!” 

Eddie is halfway out of his seat when a strong grip holds him down. The beating of his heart mutes the world for a couple of seconds and when sound does come back, it’s muffled.

“ _ Eddie!  _ Eddie listen to me! Buck’s fine, he got off his blood thinners a month ago!”

That makes Eddie stop. “What?”

“He’s not taking blood thinners anymore. It’s alright.” He takes a few minutes to let the words sink in. “I’m sorry, Eddie. I thought you knew.” 

“He didn’t-” No, he can already see what’s wrong with that sentence. He breathes out once more. “I think I need to go home and clear my head.”

“Of course. Do you want one of us to drive you home?”

“No, I got it, thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow, Cap.” 

Later that day, Bobby texts Eddie saying there was no major internal bleeding and no fractures in Buck’s bones. The message should have felt reassuring, but it couldn’t stop the nervous dread stirring around in his gut all night. 

It’s not until well past midnight that Eddie realizes he never told Buck ‘Thank you.’

…...

There’s a quiet determination to his step when he walks into the locker room that morning, but any and all thoughts he had come to a grinding halt as he takes in the scene before him. Buck is sitting on the bench, back to him, and blowing out air slowly like he’s bracing himself for something. That something turns out to be putting on a shirt. 

He lifts his arms a fraction and immediately drops them with a hiss, movement tugging at the vicious splotch of purple and blue bloomed over the right side of his lower back. Faint whispers of encouragement dance around the room before he tries again, shoving his head through the hole of his shirt before his arms give out, dropping with a heavy pant. 

Without a second thought, Eddie kneels in front of Buck and promptly fixes the twisted mess of fabric around his neck. Dragging the right sleeve down, Buck hardly has to lift his arm at all to get it through. The other arm goes easier and Eddie can’t help but let his fingers slide to smooth the shirt down to the hem. 

“Thanks,” Buck exhales. “I was fine yesterday but now it feels so sore. Didn’t know how long I’d sit here before I’d decide to just walk around shirtless. ”

A joke. He’s joking with him again. It’s the olive branch he needs and he should take it.  _ Tell him now.  _

“Umm. I- uh.”  _ Thank you for saving my life _ .  _ Say it!  _ “I help Chris get dressed everyday, so I’m used to it.” He dips his head.  _ Fuck _ . Alright, try number two. 

“Buck.” Or not. Bobby steps into the room, his eyes glancing between their close proximity, and Eddie steps back immediately. The faces he gets for it tells him it was the wrong move, yet Bobby continues anyways. “I just wanted to let you know Athena told me they caught the guy who hit you. A drunk driver who was dozing off while going 80 on a freeway,” he scoffs. “The guys said he knew he got close but didn’t think he hit anyone. He’s in jail now with a number of charges, including hit-and-run.” Buck nods his head, thanking him for the news. “How are you feeling, kid?

“I’m good. Looking forward to an exciting day of sweeping, polishing, and organizing. It should be great.”

Bobby lets out a laugh, Hen and Chim wandering in at the noise. “We both know this is for your own good. If you slow down and let your body recover these next few days, you’ll be back on calls with us in no time.” 

“I told you, I’m fine.” 

The captain and paramedics all exchange unimpressed looks. 

“Alright,” Bobby says, some silent conversation happening between them. “If you can give Chimney a high five from where you’re sitting right now, I’ll let you go out with us today.” Chim raises his hand a little higher than Buck’s head and Buck immediately moves to high five him. “With your right hand, Buck.”

Eddie watches Buck wither in his seat, left hand wrapping around the right side of his body. 

“Fine, I’m not exactly 100% right now.”

“No one’s expecting you to be, Buckaroo. We all saw you take that hit yesterday. We’re just making sure you understand why we’re benching you. You’ll be back soon, though. No need to run off and hire another lawyer.”

“Ouch,” Buck fakes a wince. “Too soon, Hen. Wow.”

“You know I joke because I love you. We all do. So, please, take it easy today?”

The smile is small, but strong. “I will. Promise.”

“Thank you,” Chim pats his shoulder. “Now come on. Bobby made breakfast and it looks-” The alarms blare off. “And it looks like we’re gonna have to enjoy it later. Sorry, Buck.”

“It’s good. Go. I’ll pack everything away and we can eat whenever you get back.”

“Thanks Buck,” Bobby says and they all head out, Eddie hesitating for a moment. 

“I…” 

“Be careful today, alright? I’m not gonna be there to watch your back.” The thought somehow makes his heart lurch. With a nod, he turns to head out the door. “Eddie!” He swings around to find Buck biting back a laugh. “Your uniform, man. Can’t go out there in civi clothes.”

Eddie looks down at himself and burns bright pink. “Right. Thanks.”

Buck’s already out the door before he can thank him for anything else. 

… 

Mercifully, there’s no major calls today. A skateboarder ran into a woman on the sidewalk but they were both unharmed. A man got his arm stuck in his kitchen sink trying to reach his wedding ring. A fender bender almost resulted in a fist fight under a bridge.

The last one reeled Eddie’s mind back to his fit at the grocery store. Memories of him yelling for Buck to suck it up and calling him selfish replay in his head over and over again. God, was he really such a dick? And he never apologized for it either. Why hasn’t he realized this till now? What does Buck think?

Flashes of Buck these past few weeks appear on command, and he sees how they become scarce over time with those broad shoulders slumping a little further at every dismissal Eddie gives. 

“Eddie.” Bobby is suddenly across from him and the engine is no longer roaring in his ears. They’re back at the station. “What’s going on?”

Eddie has to avert his eyes at that, shuffling off his headgear. “Nothing, Cap, I’m good.”

“Does this have anything to do with what happened yesterday? You were almost hit by a car. Your partner was hit, pushing you out of the way. You’re both physically ok, for the most part. Mentally, though, it’s a lot to process.” 

“It’s… It’s not that.” Calloused fingers dig into his neck. “I still haven’t thanked Buck for saving me. I tried this morning but…” He sighs. “It’s like I forgot how to talk. And today, with the two guys swinging at each other, it reminded me of that fight in the parking lot when Buck was filing the lawsuit.”

“Did you feel angry at him again?”

“No, no,” he shakes his head. “I remembered what I said to him and I’m horrified. Bobby, I said some terrible things. I’ve  _ treated _ him terribly since he got back. I… I didn’t even realize. Frank has been helping me clear through my rage. I thought I was doing better since I stopped fighting. But… I think I’ve really messed things up with Buck. I don’t even know where to begin to apologize.” 

Bobby considers his words for a moment and Eddie’s surprised to see a bit of pride in his eyes. “Well, if you can’t say the words, try showing them. You want to say thanks; what’s something you can do for him?”

“Um… He did want to hang out with Chris this weekend. But letting him be around my son isn’t exactly a gift. I could never keep them apart, I just haven’t been sticking around, lately. I’d drop Chris off at Buck’s and leave or… Or I’d just keep quiet in the corner, ignoring him...  _ Dammit _ .”

“It’s ok, Eddie. Breathe.” Eddie does. “How about joining them this time, since you haven’t done it in a while. Take them somewhere fun. Maybe plan a picnic or try a new restaurant.”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I can do that.” 

“And then maybe you can try talking to Buck afterwards?” Whatever face he makes has Bobby backtracking, fast. “Or not. Baby steps.” 

“No, I can’t do baby steps anymore. I’ve let this drag on for too long.” 

“Everything’s gonna work out, Eddie. You two are going to be ok.”

Stepping out of the truck, they notice Hen motioning to them from the loft, a finger set over her lips. Chim points over to where the couch is and makes a motion of resting his head against the back of his hands. 

“Buck’s sleeping… Finally. He’s looked so tired lately.” 

“His bruising probably kept him up.”  _ But that was only last night,  _ Eddie thinks. “You know, Maddie dropped him off this morning. Maybe you could offer him a ride home? Tell him about your plan.” 

Eddie turns to his captain, eyes shining. “Thanks, Bobby. Really.”

“Any time.”

….

Eddie is sorely tempted to run his fingers through that curly blond hair as he hovers over a sleeping Buck. But no, he can’t. It wouldn’t be right with where their relationship is right now. A relationship that’s hardly there thanks to his freaking personal issues. 

He’s ashamed of his actions towards Buck lately. The more he thinks about it, the harder it is to look at his own reflection. He screwed up, and now he can only hope his friend will forgive him.

Resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder, he shakes him gently. 

“Hey,” he says when those blue eyes start to flutter open. “I texted Maddie and told her I’d drive you home today. I hope you don’t mind.” 

Buck smushes his face into the side of the couch a little deeper with a groan. Then, his eyes shoot open. “ _ Oh shit.  _ What time is it? I was supposed to-”

“Don’t worry about your chores, Buck. I took care of them.” 

“What?”

His voice is almost frantic and Eddie tries to keep things casual. “It’s fine, Buck, you did most of them yourself. There were only two things left to do. Besides, we haven’t had any calls for the last hour, so I thought I’d let you sleep and finish up for you.” 

Something stings in his chest when Buck doesn’t return his smile. The cautious air around them has somehow grown denser since their talk that morning and it’s another thing Eddie has to fix. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles at last. “I guess I’ll get changed.” 

The only sound in the locker room is that of their ruffled clothing, or at least Eddie’s. 

“Do you need help?”

Buck is once again slumped where he sits, fists scrunching the unbuttoned fabric of his shirt. “Yes,” he whispers.

It’s definitely different than last time. Helping Buck put clothes on is one thing, but taking them off- 

He immediately blocks any further thoughts from entering his mind, putting an extreme focus into the motion of his hands and making sure Buck isn’t in any pain. He leaves him to change his own pants, a little proud his face didn’t spontaneously combust into flames until after he’s out the door. 

The burning sensation manages to cool by the time Buck steps out, ready to go. When they’re both settled in his truck, Eddie makes his move. 

“So,” he breaths a little unsteadily. “We both have tomorrow off. I was wondering if you would want to take Christopher to the aquarium? Then we could maybe find a nice place to eat? Or I could make us food and we could picnic in the park or at the beach or-”

“What are you doing?” 

His stomach bottoms out at the harsh tone. “What?”

“Look, Eddie… Stop, ok? You don’t have to pretend you don’t hate me anymore just because I saved your life... I got it. You can’t forgive me for the lawsuit. We’re not friends anymore.”

_ What? _

“ _ No _ !” It’s been years since a couple words have made him feel so sick. “Buck?  _ God, fuck. _ That’s not what this is. I promise. And we are,” he loses his breathe for a second. “We  _ are _ still friends. I care about you so much, Buck. I just-” His fingers flex around the steering wheel, white knuckles shining in the evening sun. “Yes, I wanted to take you and Chris out as a thank you but I also have other things I need to say. Stuff I should have said a long time ago. So, please? I don’t deserve it, but I’d really like a chance to make things right.”

A swarm of emotions clash along Buck’s face. He tries a couple times to start a sentence, and eventually ends with “Yeah, ok.”

It’s sincere and Eddie can tell he’s short circuited his best friend’s brain enough so he drives him home without another word. 

  
  


…. 

“Hey,” Eddie blinks a few times when he opens the door. Right in front of him stands Buck, dressed in his usual jeans and button-up with his sleeves rolled to his elbows. He can’t help but glance at the clock. “I wasn’t expecting you till later.” 

“Well, you mentioned a picnic and since I know Carla won’t be here today, I thought I’d help you make some food.” 

“Help me, huh?” The smirk pulling at the edge of his lips comes so naturally, the feeling nostalgic.

“Alright, I came to take over.” A large ice chest manifests at Buck’s feet. “I’m sorry, man, but without instruction you’re a menace in the kitchen. I don’t even know what you were trying to make that last time with the-”

“Nope. No. We don’t speak of it. I can still get whiffs of it in the cupboards every now and then. I think the smell embedded itself in the walls.” He sighs. “Yes,” his hand gestures towards the kitchen. “Please, tell me what to do.” 

Buck happily treads inside with his ice chest in tow, methodically shifting things around the counter, fridge, and pantry. The chest is piled full with ingredients and Eddie helps him unload it as the man shuffles through various drawers for utensils. There are few sounds better than Buck babbling on as he works. 

“I thought it might be nice to eat something cold since it’s gonna be hot and then I remembered I made  _ the best _ sandwich the other day. You guys are gonna love it. I also brought some fruit if you don’t mind cutting it up? It’s just some watermelon, cantelope, and grapes. Refreshing stuff, you know? Then bought some juice pouches for Chris. I was hoping I could leave the box here and just put a couple in the ice chest? It’s not that big, I’m sorry. I haven’t gotten around to buying a bigger one. If not, I could just leave the box in the back and we could throw some more in as we run low. Except if Chris knew that, I know he’d definitely abuse the system. I love him, but your kid can be a little evil genius with his cuteness sometimes.”

“Hey!” Chris laughs, crutches clinking against the floor. 

“Oh, no! I’ve been caught. Now you know you can manipulate me into getting anything you want.” 

Eddie watches Buck pull his son up into his arms, kissing his head as he hugs him. 

“I wouldn’t do that,” Chris groans, but the smile teasing his lips gives him away. 

“Of course not. Not my Superman.” 

“Of course not. Not to my Buck.” And, oh. Both men melt at that toothy grin. 

“What about me?” Eddie whines. 

“It doesn’t work on you,  _ Dad _ ,” Chris giggles. “Only Abuela.”

Laughter bursts from all their chests and too soon they’re relaxing next to the sand, their blanket spread out on the grass under the trees that block the afternoon sun. 

“I liked the cuttlefish best.”

“You called them squids,” Chris says around a mouth full of grapes. 

“I got my cephalopods mixed up for a second! Happens to everyone.” 

“I liked the little eels in the rocks! They stick their head out,” he breathes, “and you could see them catching things in the water. Those were cute.” 

“Those were so cute,” Buck agrees. 

Simple things like this shouldn’t make Eddie want to cry this hard. Or maybe they should. He missed these little conversations, the casual forevers they spend together like things could and have always been this easy. What they are and what Eddie almost made them with his pride and his judgement… 

“Eddie?”

He startles to attention, all eyes on him. “I’m sorry, what?”

“What was your favorite animal at the aquarium?” Chris repeats, unfazed. 

“The sharks, definitely. But I also really loved the starfish we held in the touch-tank. And that sea slug.” 

“You wouldn’t even hold it! Chris had to hold it for you and even then you barely touched it.” 

“Yeah!” 

“Hey, hold on,” Eddie laughs, raising his hands in surrender at his kid. “I wanted you to hold it. I wanted you to get that experience.”

“Mhhm. Then what about the one I was holding?”

“I…” A sharp blush covers his cheeks. “Alright, fine. I imagined them moving on my hand and I freaked out. I couldn’t do it.” 

“It did feel pretty weird but it wasn’t bad, Dad. Just different. It was fun.”

“Yeah?” he relents. “Alright. Next time, I’ll hold one. But you gotta hold it with me, ok? I don’t want to drop it if I freak out.”

“Deal!” 

Buck wasn’t lying about those sandwiches. Eddie and Chris stared longingly at the second helpings sitting in the ice chest, physically fighting themselves to not grab them then and there. At first, Buck thought they didn’t like them, an apology at the tip of his tongue before both Diaz boys cut in. The confession that they just wanted to make them last brings an expression to Buck’s face Eddie hasn’t seen before. He’s so…  _ happy _ . The image stays in the forefront of his mind as Chris munches down his second sandwich, Buck promising to make them again very soon. 

A pound of fruit and three juice pouches later, they’re lying contently on the blanket and listening to the distant waves. Then, Chris sits up. 

“What’s up, buddy?” 

The small silence has both men sitting up, too. 

“Um.” Chris fidgets with his fingers on his lap. “Can we try going closer today?” 

In truth, Eddie hadn’t really expected this today. There was a chance Christopher could ask, what with them already being at the beach, but he assumed it'd be a while before he would push that carefully drawn line he and Buck have shared since the tsunami. 

“Of course, mijo.” Eddie stands and lifts Chris into his arms in one smooth motion. “Just tell me when to stop and I’ll stop ok? Don’t worry about me. We can take this as slow as you want.” 

Chris nods into his shoulder, only glancing up when they start to move. “Buck?”

_ Oh.  _

Another new face, and Eddie can easily say he doesn’t like this one at all. Buck is pale, gaze fogged and distant as ragged pants squeeze out from his lungs. It’s the start of a panic attack. 

“Buck?” Eddie sets Chris down next to him, kneeling into Buck’s field of vision. “Can you hear me?” 

The rising tremor of his body jolts to a stop when Eddie grasps his clammy hand. “Eddie?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Take some deep breaths with me, ok? In,” he makes a show of inhaling, “and out. In and out. That’s it. We’re right here. The tsunami is over. You’re safe. Chris is safe. We’re both right here.” Color returns to his cheeks after a few minutes, but his eyes still struggle to focus. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t think how you’d feel. It’s alright if you can’t come yet, Buck. I’ll take Chris and you can watch us from here.”

A strangled huff falls from Buck’s lips and that seems to bring him out from wherever his mind sent him. “That…” he swallows. “That might actually be worse.” 

_ Right. Fuck.  _

“Bucky.”

Both men snap their eyes to the small hand reaching out and Buck doesn’t waste a second before taking it. 

“I…” he starts but Christopher tightens his grip. 

“We’re gonna be ok, kid.” 

And just like the tsunami, the water comes flooding, tears pouring down those cheeks. Something breaks in Eddie’s chest and all he can do is sit and stare as his son crawls onto Buck’s lap, their arms locking each other in place. 

“Sorry,” he blurts. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Chris. I’m so sorry. I…” 

“I forgive you, Buck. Thank you for saving me.” 

There wasn’t much he could do that would help, but he had to try. Eddie scoots forward quietly, arms wrapping around them like armor, his voice strong and steady. Chris’ words are dissolving into a mess of slurred sobs, but he’s sure Buck can understand him anyways. 

“Thank you for not giving up on him.” 

“Thank you for playing I-spy with me on the firetruck.”

“Thank you for protecting him with everything you had.”

“Thank you for finding my glasses.”

“Thank you for giving me his glasses.”

If not for the two bodies folded around him, Eddie honestly thinks Buck might shake apart. His son isn’t doing much better. 

“Thank you for saving those people,” Chris stumbles on his words. “I know you think,” he heaves, “you lost me because you had to leave. But you didn’t.” Another gasp. “You saved me, Bucky. Thank you, I love you.”

“I love you too, Chris. I love you so much.”

When they finally head off into the sand, Buck carries Christopher and Eddie hovers close to his boys, holding Chris’ hand the whole way. 

They don’t get to the waves. Halfway between their picnic and the water, Chris tells them to stop and Buck lets out the breath he’s been holding. It was close enough, for now. And if Buck curls into Eddie when he pulls them to his chest, no one says a thing. He only focuses on the steady weight in his arms as his whispered praise wash over them. 

….

Christopher snores softly against Buck’s chest and a bit of drool spills from the corner of his mouth, onto Buck’s shirt. Movie credits have been scrolling along the screen for five minutes but neither of them could bring themselves to move. 

“Alright,” Eddie says at last. “Come on, buddy, it’s time for bed.”

Chris can barely keep his eyes open when he mumbles, “Is Buck spending the night?” 

A glance to Buck finds those blue eyes already on him. His smile is, hopefully, reassuring. “That’s up to him.”

Way back when, they talked about being honest in situations like these. Even if it meant making a fake excuse. If Buck wanted to go, he could. If he wanted to stay, well, Eddie would never turn him away. Buck hasn’t spent the night since before the tsunami, however. He knows that’s mostly his own fault. 

The hesitance only lasts a second before Buck is turning back to Chris. “Sure am, Superman. You want me to make some waffles in the morning?” 

“Yeah!” 

“Alright. Go get to sleep and morning will be here in no time. Goodnight, buddy.” 

“Goodnight, Buck.” 

Little fears twinge at the back of his thoughts as he changes Christopher into his pajamas. Maybe Buck changed his mind and Eddie will go back to an empty living room. Was that for the best? They all went through a lot today, was it even a good idea to dredge up more stuff on top of it? But he needs to apologize. He can’t keep dragging this out and letting Buck think he hates him. 

“Dad?” 

Eddie turns his head as his fingers tuck the blankets around small shoulders. “Yes, mijo?”

“Does this mean you’re not mad at Buck anymore?”

Damn. Ok. 

“Sit up with me for a minute.” He perches himself on the edge of Chris’ bed, handing him his glasses so they can see each other clearly. One breath, two breaths, and then he starts. “Christopher, I haven’t been a good role model lately. You see, awhile ago, Buck did something that hurt my feelings and instead of talking to him about it, I got really mad and I yelled. And because I was mad, I said bad things that weren’t true and that I didn’t mean.” Another breath. “Just because he hurt my feelings first doesn’t mean I should have said those things. No one deserves that. So, I got angry at myself for saying it. Then everything seemed to be making me angry. And I took a lot of that out on Buck.”

“What did he do that made you so mad?”

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is how I reacted. Sure, I could have been angry for a while, but Buck had been apologizing for weeks and just wanted to talk. And I refused. This is a complicated topic so not every situation is gonna be like this, but after everything Buck’s done for us, I should have at least listened. What he did wasn’t on purpose and I shouldn’t have ignored him for trying to fix it. Because then it was me who was hurting him. And that’s not right.”

“Buck will forgive you.”

It’s an innocent statement, but true. “I know. But I still need to apologize, even if he already forgave me. He deserves to hear me explain my actions and know it wasn’t all his fault. And because adults make mistakes just as often as kids, I don’t want this to happen next time any of us hurts the other’s feelings. I want us to talk, just like we’re talking now. That way we can say we’re sorry and do our best to make things right.”

“And let them know we still love them.”

_ You don’t have to pretend you don’t hate me anymore just because I saved your life... _

“Absolutely. I’ll always love you both, so no matter what you can always come and talk to me. Even if I get mad, I’ll be there so we can fix it together.”

Retucking Christopher in and kissing him goodnight, Eddie backs into the hallway, closing the door to a fraction before nearly crashing into Buck. 

“Woah,” he says, catching himself. Then, several things click at once. Oh, no. 

Before he can open his mouth, Buck motions silently down the hall. Right. They definitely shouldn’t have this conversation outside his son’s door. He takes the far edge of the couch, giving Buck the option of setting their distance. He’s not surprised when he takes the other end, as far from him as possible. 

“Eddie…” Buck begins, head hung low as he slumps further to the floor. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping. It was just taking longer than usual for you to change him so I thought you might need help, and then-”

“Stop. It’s ok. I promise I’m not mad.” None of the tension leaves Buck’s shoulders. “And I don’t blame you for not believing me.” He blows out a long, tired breath. “I really messed this up.”

“What? No. Eddie, look, what you said to Chris…” 

“It’s true. All of it.”

“You got nothing to apologize for. The things I told the lawyer-”

“You said while ranting and never thought would be used against us.”

“But I wasn’t there for you or Chris when you needed me.”

“Yeah, but-” His words cut out, lips pierced in one moment of bravery. “Actually. Wait. Ok, I know that if either of us needed you, you would have come running, lawsuit be damned. I was petty and didn’t let on how much Christopher missed you until I blew up at the grocery store. My fault. But… I don’t get it, Buck. I… I thought you liked being here. Why let the lawyer block us out like that?”

“It wasn’t- I wasn’t blocking you out. It was just gonna be for a little bit until I got my job back. And it’s not like-” Buck grits his teeth, a bitter laugh pushing past the lump in his throat. 

“It’s not like what?”

Both his hands scrub down his face, eye’s glued to the ground. “Eddie, I know you said you trust me with Christopher after the tsunami. But… I don’t- That doesn’t mean I trust myself. I…”

A couple of beats pass as the words pull together in his brain. “You didn’t see being away from Chris as a bad thing. Because you still think the tsunami was your fault.”

His voice is broken and sharp. “I lost him. I know he said he forgives me. I know neither of you blame me. I couldn’t stop a natural disaster. I get that, but I had him and we were safe and I turned my back-”

“To save people.”

“-and I  _ lost _ him! Not a day goes by where I don’t think about that lady who carried him to the field hospital.  _ I _ did not save Chris. She did. She gave him back to you. She carried him who knows how long for however many miles.  _ She _ saved your son. Not me. If it wasn’t for her, Chris-” He chokes on the rest of that sentence. “And that definitely would have been my fault. Not the tsunami’s.”

Eddie doesn’t realize he’s crying until he opens his mouth and feels a tear trickle from his top lip to the bottom. 

“... _ Buck… _ ” 

Like a switch, Buck’s face flickers from rage to agony. “Fuck,” he mutters. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all this on you. I know I can be exhausting, just please don’t tell Cap. He’ll order me to therapy again and last time didn’t end so well. So-”

“You’re not exhausting.” Buck blinks at him, dumbfounded. Eddie can’t help but dig his fingers against his forehead. “To think I ever dared to call you selfish…” 

“Eddie?”

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

“It’s fine. I-”

“No, it’s not. Please, just listen for a minute ok? I need you to really hear me.” At that, Buck seals his lips and nods. “Everything I said at the grocery store- God, I’m so sorry Buck. And it wasn’t even that one time. I have been making snide comments at you since you got back and I just… I’ve messed up so badly. To the point where you probably don’t even believe me right now. You’re my best friend and one of the most important people in me and my son’s life yet I have treated you like garbage for weeks. And you think you deserve it when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Last night, I couldn’t stop thinking about the things I wanted to say to you. Everything you deserve to hear. But now I’m so scared because I need you to believe me when I say it.” He takes in one lungful of air, holding it in before letting it all go as he starts. 

_ “I’m in love with you, Evan _ . I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I’ve used everything that’s happened as an excuse for why I haven’t told you. Shannon came back. You were dating Ali. Shannon asked me for a divorce and died. You nearly died in front of me, twice, with the truck then the embolism. You were going through physical therapy. The tsunami happened.  _ Everything _ , one after the other. I told myself I’d tell you once things settled down. That we both just needed a little more time to adjust. But then more things kept happening. And that was exhausting. Just thinking about half the shit we’ve gone through is exhausting. But  _ you _ , Buck, you are  _ not _ exhausting. I should have never said that because it’s not true and I will forever regret putting that idea in your head. 

“When I said that-” He shakes his head. “When I found out I couldn’t talk to you, I thought… I thought it meant you didn’t love me. If you could leave me and Chris like that, when we were doing so well… I convinced myself you were lying when you said you were trying to get back to us. That all you wanted was your job. And I was already so mad about everything else, I shut down and I refused to think anything would change. The world sucked and there’s no point in trying. So when you got back to work, I treated you like a coworker instead of my friend. I was trying to save myself by pushing you under...

“And I was so wrong, Buck. About it all. I didn’t realize it until you saved my life. You could have been paralyzed or killed when you got between me and that car. My mind couldn’t even process it. Everything you did to get your job back and you’d throw it all away for me? The asshole who’s been horrible to you for weeks? Everything I did… Everything I said… I’m so sorry, Buck. I swear, I’m so sorry. ”

_ “Eddie.”  _

Eddie braces himself for the hit. He deserves it. Buck’s going to tell him he can’t accept his apology, that too much was destroyed to build anything again. He’s going to-  _ Oh _ . Eddie opens his eyes to see Buck has moved so much closer, their fingers weaving together hesitantly. 

“Saving you is exactly why I wanted my job back, dummy. Yes, being a firefighter gives me a purpose in helping people, but I also wanted to be a firefighter with _my_ _team_. I love you guys. Sure, I was still mad at Bobby, but I was willing to put up with anything he threw at me so long as I wasn’t transferred. You’re my family. And sitting on my couch or at a desk while you’re all risking your lives? I couldn’t stand it. Not without me there to have your backs. And I got back just in time, thank God, to protect yours from that car.” That steady blue gaze falters at last and all the words in the air slowly sink down into their skin. Buck bites his bottom lip, hardly a sound coming out of his mouth when he finally asks, “So, you don’t hate me?”

Eddie couldn’t stop the laugh barking out of his chest. “Buck, Chris and I would be  _ devastated _ if you ever decided to stay away. The only reason we survived the lawsuit was because, even when I thought you didn’t want me, I knew you still loved Chris. The two of you together make me the happiest man in the world. I know I was selfish and cruel to you, but I promise I never hated you. I don’t think I ever could.”

“And… you love me?”

“More than almost anything in the world. Chris still has you beat for #1, I’m sorry. At least until he hits his rebellious teenage years.”

That’s enough for that timid smile to break free over Buck’s face and Eddie thinks he might cry at the sight of it. 

“More than Abuela’s cooking?”

“Oof. More. But it’s definitely up there.”

“More than karaoke night when Chim brings tequila?” 

“So much more. Especially because you don’t give me hangovers the next morning.”

“More than-”

Eddie leans in to kiss those wide spread lips. It’s as fragile as he feels and he anchors his hands in the scruff of Buck’s hair, feeling Buck do the same. 

“More,” he whispers. 

“I… I don’t know if I deserve this.”

“We both messed up, Buck. We’re just going to have to make it up to each other. That means helping me with snacks next time Chris has a sleepover so the kids don’t have to settle for my store-bought cookies. And I’ll massage your leg when it starts cramping up, put some Tiger Balm on it just the way you like. I just…” He lets out a sigh. “I don’t want this to become a debt. I don’t want us to feel obligated to do things for each other just to make up for mistakes we made. I want us to heal and to move forward and to not think of every little thing as something to balance some cosmic scale. I just want to love you, Buck, no guilt attached. I want you to be here because you want to be, not because you’re trying to cancel out things that weren’t your fault. Please, if it ever starts feeling like that, tell me. Or if you eventually get tired of us. Or tired of me. We won’t force you to stay.”

“You’ll never get rid of me.” 

The sudden weight of Buck on his lap has something giddy dancing in Eddie’s chest and the sparkle in Buck’s eye is more than he could have imagined. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. So much, Eddie. I love you and Chris and your abuela and tia. I know you just gave a speech about cosmic balances but I really don’t know how to thank you for letting me be a part of your life like this.”

“You could kiss me again.”

“A kiss isn’t a thank you. I’d do that anyways.”

“But your kisses are everything, Evan.” 

“Oh, no.” Buck chuckles, pressing their lips together firmly before hiding his heavy blush in Eddie’s neck. “Please refrain from using my first name around the others. I don’t need them seeing how much you saying it gets to me.”

“Hmm. I don’t know. I kinda like your blushing face.”

“ _ Edmundo. _ ” 

And yeah, Eddie’s heart skips before jumping into double time. 

“Wow. Ok, truce.” Buck’s quiet huff presses into Eddie’s chest. He loves it. “It’s nice. Having you this close... I could get used to it.”

“Chris is such a chronic cuddler, I knew he got it from somewhere. And that’s fine with me. My arms are always open.”

“Mind if-” He clears his throat. “I mean nothing has to happen tonight, I just… Can we keep doing this, but in bed? I think my body is starting to shut down on me and as much as I like my couch, I’d rather us sleep somewhere we’d both fit comfortably.”

“Yeah, I mean if you’re ok with it.” 

“I am very, very ok with it.” His false vibrato fails him, hands coming to shield his face. “I’m… Acting strange. I’m sorry. I can’t remember how to act normal for some reason -- well, obvious reasons. You. And your... everything. I just-”

“ _ Hey _ .” Buck gently peels those hands away. “I think ‘Being Honest’ is the theme of today, and probably our lives, so I will be, right now. I’m scared as hell I’m gonna mess this up. But seeing you be a little freaked out too? It lets me know you want this as bad as me. Plus… it’s incredibly adorable. I mean big, Army-man, never-flinches-in-the-worst-situations Edmundo Diaz loses his cool around me? I must be special.”

“ _ Pendejo hermoso...  _ I lose my cool all the time! Mainly when you’re running into trouble without thinking about your own safety. You just never see it because I’m running in behind you.” 

Eddie isn’t expecting the sudden softness in those eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, really…” 

“You do love me.” 

That’s it. Eddie bites back his scoff, launching himself up and off the couch. Buck’s startled laugh sings beautifully in his ears as he dangles over Eddie’s shoulder. 

“What are you doing?!”

“Taking you to bed. I’ve talked way too much today and it’s time to sleep.” 

“I can walk!” 

“I know. I was there during your physical therapy.”

“If you’re not careful, I will easily get used to you carrying me to bed every night. You’ll be old and gray and I’ll be on your lap, chilling, as your wheelchair rolls us to the bedroom.”

Eddie tosses Buck onto the bed with more care than he’ll ever admit, reveling in those giggles as the springs bounce beneath them. Crawling over him is as simple as breathing.

“Promise?” 

They curl into each other, a blissful peace settling over them. Buck’s only mildly achy in the morning and Eddie apologizes profusely for forgetting about his bruised back. Speech be damned, he promises to pick up ice cream later to make up for it.

They really need to figure out what defines  _ balancing a cosmic scale _ , and what’s just making a simple apology. Ice cream is definitely simple. Buck teases that they’ve got plenty of time to figure out the rest. 

When the stars return and Chris is asleep, tucked in bed, Eddie mentions therapy. It’s a bit of a debate, not exactly a fight, but eventually he gets Buck to agree to at least accept the number to Frank’s office. 

“Me and Chris love you, Buck. I know what it’s like to have your brain mix reality up with a distorted image of yourself. It’s torture. Us, the team, Maddie. We’re all too close to you to say anything you couldn’t brush off as biased because we love you. I think a third party point of view can help. Frank, he listens. He helps you step back and break down everything so you can see a situation for what it really is. And he won’t push you into the heavy stuff if you’re not ready, but he is a professional who is trained to hear anything you need to let out. You don’t have to hold back to spare any of our feelings. We’ll never know unless you decide to share it with us unlike what that piece of shit lawyer did to you. Complete confidentiality. Please, consider it.”

In the morning, Eddie wakes up to an empty bed. 

There’s a moment of utter agony that twists his heart before he hears a quiet voice echoing from the kitchen. Buck is sitting on the floor, looking as small as ever, and Eddie is knelt in front of him immediately. 

“Hey,” he breathes. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? What are you doing down here?”

“Oh,” Buck croaks and quickly clears his throat. He waves his phone nonchalantly. “I, uh. I had a nightmare and I didn’t want to wake you so I came out here. Then I started thinking about what you said last night, and… I have an appointment with Frank next week.” 

There’s a number of things Eddie wants to say right now but he brushes them all away, scooting next to Buck to lie his head on his shoulder. They stay like that for a while, staring blankly at the tile. 

“How’s your back?”

“Good.”

“Yeah?” He raises his hand in the air and Buck snorts. 

“Yeah,” he says, high fiving him. 

…. 

Walking into the station is an experience. A couple of eternities have passed in the last two days yet everything looks jarringly the same. 

“Buckley. Diaz. Suit up. We got a call.” Bobby doesn’t miss a beat as he heads towards the truck, patting Buck on the shoulder as he passes. Hen and Chimney welcome Buck back with two brief hugs as they exit the locker room, telling them both to hurry.

The call brings them to a kitchen fire at a restaurant that’s mostly put out with an extinguisher by the time they arrive. The chefs thank them regardless, and Buck and Hen end up carrying a couple bags full of takeout containers back with them towards the truck. They’re halfway across the parking lot when Chim lightly punches his bicep, nodding to the street where a silver PT Cruiser is driving by. 

“Hey, Buck,” he grins. “Cruiser bruiser.” 

A roar of groans erupt around them. While Hen and Bobby target Chimney, Eddie simply bumps shoulders with Buck before taking the bags from his hands. Buck smiles the whole way back to the station. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  



End file.
